It’s 12/30/2016. Hmm I woke up super early again as usual. For quite a long time, my sleep schedule has been pretty odd. I goto bed like a super old geezer. I try and stay up till 7pm. I am lucky if I do stay up that long. Earliest I allow myself to goto bed is around 5:45pm. I know super old man, and kinda odd. I mainly do this because I have been doing this for a year now. I am unemployed and I goto bed early because I don’t know what else to do with myself.
So when I goto bed super early, that means I get up super early. I try to stay in bed till 3am. I then make a whole pot of coffee. I drink just about the whole pot. I don’t know if it’s the caffeine from the coffee that makes me anxious in the morning or my bi-polar condition. It’s tiring that I get so anxious and wound up. After my extreme anxiety, I get a tad depressed. I wish I could stop these odd, mental anxiety routine.
I fear lots of things. Fear is a daily part of my life. “Phantom fears” I call them. If I am not anxious or fearful of something during the course of the day, it’s not a normal day for me. It’s odd. I fear crowded, public places. I fear losing mental control of myself. I fear having a mental breakdown. I am not sure why I have developed this fear, or these fears. I fear things that usually do not come true. I project fears for the future.
In a general scope of things, I am depressed. I am depressed at the failure I am in the “career” area in life. I also have not had any very long relationships in my life. At 44 years old, I never had a lasting relationship that I woke up to someone every day each morning. I feel old, and unattractive. Unattractive inside and in a physical appearance. No one would ever want me. I think I have been alone for so many decades that I don’t know how to let anyone in my personal space. I think that part of me has never fully developed. If I do get old alone, I think that would be the way I will be.
I am not sure why I turned out this way. I had some mental issues back in the years 1999-2003. Unexplained things happened to me. I was a real mess. I do try daily to put myself in other people’s shoes. To exercise compassion, and also to remember to think in a humble sort of way. I try and incorporate humble thoughts into my daily mental routine. I am humble I have a place to stay. A house to be in. Many don’t have this.
Anyway, I am going to try and fix myself in 2017. I am the first to admit that I am not perfect. No one is mentally. I am so glad I am not the type to think everything I do is right. I make mistakes. Like everyone. I can be petty, and immature. I tend to fester on things that happened to me in the past. Why work yourself up over things that can’t be changed? I don’t know. It’s a waste of energy. For 2017, I will attempt to strip away the ill feelings of the past. To “forgive and forget”. To look forward.