Once again it’s Christmas Eve. I am currently ok. Things are going along. I am still not quite fully employed. Dunno, that has gotten me down a bit. I feel a bit of apathy seeping into my daily life. I am very grateful for a good family, a place to stay etc. I am diagnosed with bi-polar (Bi-Polar I) and answered an ad for a Bi-Polar study at the University of Chicago school of Medicine. I did the first interview for them to collect information on me. It was just an interview and the explained what the study consisted of. I answered the ad, since I am unemployed and decided that this was a study that may be of use to others.
Anyway at the interview the doctor and I were talking. She asked me about my diagnosis and we talked about my feeling and things that happened in my past. She really probed a bit, and I honestly remembered a few things I wish I did not want to remember. I am only good for a good 15 mins of talking until I “lose my steam” and can’t seem to keep on focus in a conversation. That meeting with the doctor made me realize all the phases I went through in my life. Since we were focusing on my mental issues, it was mainly negative points. I tried to dispel the negative memories by thinking to myself that they were only periods of time, and nothing permanent happened as a result of them.
The meeting with the doctor though did make me reflect on my current behaviors and thoughts. I am the first to admit that I am not a perfect person. I have and can be a bit petty about things. I also have a problem letting go of things that happened in the past to me. I do have my many faults. For 2017, I would like to focus on what I do have in my life and the things I managed to achieve in my 44 years here. I never liked making resolutions but I want to simply make one general one. I would like to leave the past behind me, once and for all. Also exercise a level of humility on the things that are ok in my life. We shall see. Maybe something good will come my way in 2017. We shall see.